How does God always know what you need to hear when you need to hear it? Darn him. The sermon yesterday was about conspicuous consumption and our idea of comfort being tied up in a skewed concept of "enough", which is something that's been coming up in my thoughts more and more lately. There were a lot of interesting points including how materialism is a big blind spot in the contemporary church and how it rises from three basic categories: greed, worry, and context/comparison. I hope I'm not greedy, but I do worry ("What will I do without my stuff!? what if something bad happens and I'm not filthy rich!?") and with my AMAZING levels of self esteem [sarcasm detected!] context/comparison is big in my mind ("But if I don't wear nice clothes people will think I look stupid! Why is my stuff so OLD!?") even if it doesn't necessarily make me rush out and buy each new generation of iPhone.
My grandmother passed away right after Christmas and my mother has a living room full of her things that still need to be sorted through. Mom's always been anti-clutter, but she told me on the phone the other day that she really wanted to start de-stuff-ing because she didn't want us to have to deal with too many things when she dies. I have no plans to die any time soon (I'm so in control of that) but maybe it's wise to think like that now anyway. The less you accumulate, the less you have to de-stuff. Fancy that.
I'm not exactly swimming in stuff (by American standards, anyway). I don't have to rent out a storage unit or anything, but sometimes I find something I didn't even remember I owned - obviously not using it. I regularly notice clothing I don't wear, but I don't want to get rid of it because what if I need it SOMEDAY? And yet I know that I'm only going to wear it as a last resort and I'm not going to be happy about it, so why even give myself that option and in the mean time have a cluttered closet of unused stuff that someone else COULD be using?
While I may not be completely overwhelmed with possessions, as an extension, I think my major fault is just not thinking about where my money goes. I feel like I don't make a lot of money and (man, I suck) I find myself complaining about it. But you know what? I make PLENTY of money, I just "lose" it - no idea where it goes and no plan to keep it from going there. I spend way too much on eating out and on regular groceries (a lot of which I forget I have or it goes bad before I eat it); I buy books & magazines I don't need, etc. It almost seems worse to me because when I spend my money on things like eating out, magazines I'll toss, going to movies, etc, I don't have a physical reminder sitting in my house saying "YOU DON'T NEED ME!" I forget as soon as I'm done and it doesn't figure into my view of my own habits.
My big challenge is going to be planning. Going with the flow is getting me nowhere, so I need to plan things like what to tithe, save, buy, donate, eat, etc. I'm TERRIBLE at planning. I'm really good at going with the flow and really, really bad at forethought. You know why? Forethought is boring and hard and I'm lazy. I should probably try to work on that.
Of course, this is something I've been SAYING I should do for a while - I get hyped then I fizzle out. I need to figure out a way to actually get started and continually work on it. I'm not assuming my life will change overnight or I'll instantly be awesome or never buy things I don't need, etc, etc, but can I at least try to start being mindful? Can I at least try to be more generous with what I don't end up frittering away? Bah. Making an effort sounds good, but it kinda sucks to actually do it.
