Why am I so good at being bad at socializing? And by that I mean, why am I so impossibly intimidated by pretty much everyone who is not me? My housemate's girlfriend had a birthday party last night--dinner and out for drinks and dancing after. And it was my strongest urge all day before anyone arrived --and even the first little while when everyone was over-- to hide in my room. It wasn't even a large group of people, and almost all faces I at least recognized. I even ended up having a pretty good time and went out with them after dinner and talked to some nice people and had fun. And yet...
I'm so good at being by myself. I usually don't feel lonely, I like spending time by myself. I like reading and knitting and watching TV and drawing and doing crossword puzzles and going to the library and walking around by myself. But when I have to be around people I don't know...that's what I don't like. Which is silly. No one's mean to me, they try to be nice, I'm just nervous all the time and feel like I'm better at keeping my mouth shut.
So in a way I hate that my roommates are social and have people over and kindly invite me to do things with them. And in a way I'm really grateful. I have the capacity to have a good time, I do. And sometimes I'm actually really amusing and good at talking to people and carrying on conversations and I have fun doing it. But more often than not I forget that fact and am just filled with terror and a really strong urge to hide in my room. The housemates are out for round 2 of birthday -- playing flag football. I sort of hope they bring some people home afterward...
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