Okay People

I'm just sad tonight, and tired. Various reasons, but I ended up driving aimlessly for about an hour (sorry gas, sorry bank account). Driving keeps me from thinking. I put on music and just stare at the road. All I have to do is focus on keeping the car in the lane and I can stop my brain from working on other issues. I wish I didn't have anything to do tomorrow, I was sorely tempted to drive until I could drive no more and just stay in a hotel somewhere. In a way, it wouldn't have felt so bad if I could have just called someone up and said, "Can I come over for a while?" But I feel like I don't have anyone like that here anymore. I have friends here, don't get me wrong, but different kinds of friends. You know how you have friends for different occasions? Friends you go to dinner with, friends you're silly with, friends you see certain movies with, drink with, go to church with, are angry with. Or maybe you don't. Maybe I'm just weird, but there are only certain people I want to see in certain situations. The most rare to me are the people I can be sad with. I don't necessarily mean to weep to and spill my guts, though that's part of it. I mean people I can just sit with and it's okay if I don't want to talk and it's okay if I do; people who make me feel okay, people I can not think around, who can be the human equivilant of driving; people who can make me smile; people who don't try to make every minute together be about SOMETHING, be full of activity--they don't mind if I come over just so I can not be at home, they'll keep doing their own thing while giving me someplace to be. I LOVE home, I love being home, I always have. But it's also the place where you hide in your room in the dark, sleep too long, eat too much and wallow in sadness. Sometimes going home just feels like giving up. Tonight was one of those nights. But here I am. Where are my Okay People? I have them, they exist, but they're not here anymore. I hate talking on the phone, it would only make me feel worse. I could write to them, but it would only be a minor relief. I need to be with them physically. I wish I had them back.